The feeling of being in my head all day long, holding onto people, emotions and failures that I can’t change. I spend all day long full of anxiety and with the feeling of someone sitting on my chest. I hope minutes at a time that my partner won’t hurt me. I think about how he talks to other women at work and it makes me sick to my stomach. I come up with scenarios in my head so far from reality and it crushes my heart.
I cry. Cry out of fear, change and loss. I feel myself holding my breath scared as if a vehicle is headed straight at me wondering when he’ll betray me. It’s the worst way to live. I can dig myself out of my head for a few minutes, just enough to catch my breath then head back under water. I become strong enough at times and believe I can fight against these thoughts and fears, that I can push my way back up into the real world and remain there forever.
I hate to be negative about it because I know deep down that I could change my thoughts and be free.
It’s Monday, January 22, 2018. I wake up. Eyes heavy. I snooze the alarm, tell myself I’ll get up on the next. Snooze. Snooze again. I am so tired. Work is a blur, my mind is torn between doing my job and hoping that I will find something better, something that I’m passionate about.
Lunch comes around and I choose to eat a chicken Cesar salad from the hospital cafeteria. Waiting in line I watch the chicken sizzle on the grill, the cook works her magic. The lady cook is well known for multi-tasking at the grill. Two pans at once is her best work. As I watch her prepare the ladies meal ahead of me I notice an unknown face observing her work. He decides to come over, slowly moving closer to her working station. She asks him a question in Spanish, and clearly he doesn’t understand her. Growing irritated, he snatches the pan from her and starts working the grill himself. His hands are shaking as he grabs lettuce with the tongs. He stuffs the to-go plates and lettuce awkwardly falls onto the station counter. I briefly question if this food choice is sanitary. I turn my head away in embarrassment for both of them. The man is dressed too nice for the cafeteria, he very strong looking at first glance, has a stern face and bulging arms. I ask myself, what is he doing working in the cafeteria? I quickly move the thought out of my head, who am I to judge? The woman, she is small in size but has a commanding looking and intimidating face. I pity her for letting the man embarrass her at her job. I convince myself she is much stronger than that.
The man finishes my chicken and asks politely if I want cheese, croutons and bread. I kindly reply, yes. He hands me the to-go plate which feels light in weight. I think to myself that the lady would have added more lettuce and chicken and I wish she would have prepared my food. I walk off and tell myself I don’t need to be gluttonous, walking along I glance at the fruit bar. Yes, the fruit will top off the salad and maybe I won’t grow hungry throughout the afternoon. I grab a small to-go container I add pineapple, mango and kiwi. I love the sweet fruit. I always have a strong sweet tooth after lunch and this should do the trick.
Thoughts come and go. They can be fast as a blink of an eye or as slow as the night. It’s always our choice if we want a thought to consume are mind or brush it off. I have always struggled with letting the thoughts go. A single thought can ruin my night, eat at my insides until I feel sick. It’s not a healthy way to live. It’s taken until now to realize that I DO have a choice to let the thoughts go. Most times I don’t, but I am more aware and I do try every single time. I know with time and with trial and error it’ll get better, but for now I know every effort is a step ahead to living a more peaceful life.