The feeling of being in my head all day long, holding onto people, emotions and failures that I can’t change. I spend all day long full of anxiety and with the feeling of someone sitting on my chest. I hope minutes at a time that my partner won’t hurt me. I think about how he talks to other women at work and it makes me sick to my stomach. I come up with scenarios in my head so far from reality and it crushes my heart.
I cry. Cry out of fear, change and loss. I feel myself holding my breath scared as if a vehicle is headed straight at me wondering when he’ll betray me. It’s the worst way to live. I can dig myself out of my head for a few minutes, just enough to catch my breath then head back under water. I become strong enough at times and believe I can fight against these thoughts and fears, that I can push my way back up into the real world and remain there forever.
I hate to be negative about it because I know deep down that I could change my thoughts and be free.