I sit day after day and wonder if I am doing the right thing. Am I with the right person , am I living in the right city, am I trying hard enough? Am I trying hard enough. That’s it. Maybe that is the reason I don’t have close friends, or that I am at the wrong job or without a hobby. As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized my spark is on and is slowly fading out.
These past few days I’ve wondered if I’ll ever make the leap past fear and do something I’d actually enjoy. I’ve always dreamed of moving away from my home town and living in a bigger city (cliché I know). Maybe opening my own business and live the thrill of the unknown, the obstacles and pressure is something that calls me. Weird. It’s crazy how our mind will fight against what we want. My thoughts race as I think of something new and adventurous, slowly the thrill turns into fear and once again I am comfortable in my ways. The security comforts me and tells me I am fine where I am.
As I’ve grown older, I understand why people stay at their job they hate, in the town they’ve grown to dislike. It’s so easy. I get when people say “if it was easy everybody would be doing it”. It’s true. The easy way is so comforting, you can set your roots and relax. However, I have never wanted to be that person. I am so fearful that I may become that person and grown animosity towards myself. Quite honestly, it has already started.
I guess that’s why I sit and write. I need an escape from this routine they call life.