The feeling of being in my head all day long, holding onto people, emotions and failures that I can’t change. I spend all day long full of anxiety and with the feeling of someone sitting on my chest. I hope minutes at a time that my partner won’t hurt me. I think about how he talks to other women at work and it makes me sick to my stomach. I come up with scenarios in my head so far from reality and it crushes my heart.
I cry. Cry out of fear, change and loss. I feel myself holding my breath scared as if a vehicle is headed straight at me wondering when he’ll betray me. It’s the worst way to live. I can dig myself out of my head for a few minutes, just enough to catch my breath then head back under water. I become strong enough at times and believe I can fight against these thoughts and fears, that I can push my way back up into the real world and remain there forever.
I hate to be negative about it because I know deep down that I could change my thoughts and be free.
I sit day after day and wonder if I am doing the right thing. Am I with the right person , am I living in the right city, am I trying hard enough? Am I trying hard enough. That’s it. Maybe that is the reason I don’t have close friends, or that I am at the wrong job or without a hobby. As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized my spark is on and is slowly fading out.
These past few days I’ve wondered if I’ll ever make the leap past fear and do something I’d actually enjoy. I’ve always dreamed of moving away from my home town and living in a bigger city (cliché I know). Maybe opening my own business and live the thrill of the unknown, the obstacles and pressure is something that calls me. Weird. It’s crazy how our mind will fight against what we want. My thoughts race as I think of something new and adventurous, slowly the thrill turns into fear and once again I am comfortable in my ways. The security comforts me and tells me I am fine where I am.
As I’ve grown older, I understand why people stay at their job they hate, in the town they’ve grown to dislike. It’s so easy. I get when people say “if it was easy everybody would be doing it”. It’s true. The easy way is so comforting, you can set your roots and relax. However, I have never wanted to be that person. I am so fearful that I may become that person and grown animosity towards myself. Quite honestly, it has already started.
I guess that’s why I sit and write. I need an escape from this routine they call life.
It’s Monday, January 22, 2018. I wake up. Eyes heavy. I snooze the alarm, tell myself I’ll get up on the next. Snooze. Snooze again. I am so tired. Work is a blur, my mind is torn between doing my job and hoping that I will find something better, something that I’m passionate about.
Lunch comes around and I choose to eat a chicken Cesar salad from the hospital cafeteria. Waiting in line I watch the chicken sizzle on the grill, the cook works her magic. The lady cook is well known for multi-tasking at the grill. Two pans at once is her best work. As I watch her prepare the ladies meal ahead of me I notice an unknown face observing her work. He decides to come over, slowly moving closer to her working station. She asks him a question in Spanish, and clearly he doesn’t understand her. Growing irritated, he snatches the pan from her and starts working the grill himself. His hands are shaking as he grabs lettuce with the tongs. He stuffs the to-go plates and lettuce awkwardly falls onto the station counter. I briefly question if this food choice is sanitary. I turn my head away in embarrassment for both of them. The man is dressed too nice for the cafeteria, he very strong looking at first glance, has a stern face and bulging arms. I ask myself, what is he doing working in the cafeteria? I quickly move the thought out of my head, who am I to judge? The woman, she is small in size but has a commanding looking and intimidating face. I pity her for letting the man embarrass her at her job. I convince myself she is much stronger than that.
The man finishes my chicken and asks politely if I want cheese, croutons and bread. I kindly reply, yes. He hands me the to-go plate which feels light in weight. I think to myself that the lady would have added more lettuce and chicken and I wish she would have prepared my food. I walk off and tell myself I don’t need to be gluttonous, walking along I glance at the fruit bar. Yes, the fruit will top off the salad and maybe I won’t grow hungry throughout the afternoon. I grab a small to-go container I add pineapple, mango and kiwi. I love the sweet fruit. I always have a strong sweet tooth after lunch and this should do the trick.
Thoughts come and go. They can be fast as a blink of an eye or as slow as the night. It’s always our choice if we want a thought to consume are mind or brush it off. I have always struggled with letting the thoughts go. A single thought can ruin my night, eat at my insides until I feel sick. It’s not a healthy way to live. It’s taken until now to realize that I DO have a choice to let the thoughts go. Most times I don’t, but I am more aware and I do try every single time. I know with time and with trial and error it’ll get better, but for now I know every effort is a step ahead to living a more peaceful life.
I wonder day and night the purpose of life, more like the purpose of my life. Are my choices I make today for the better of the future, or to settle life’s pleasure’s now? I’d hope that they’re for the better. But I know they’re not. I want things to change not only for myself, but for those around me. I know every change begins with ones self and I’m willing to make that happen.
To begin, I am one that keeps to herself. I sit here now, in my apartment thinking about the outside world. People are doing what pleases them and what makes them happy. Why am I not doing that? I find it easy to compare myself to others, it’s not a great trait (I know), but of course, I can’t help but wonder.
I know I am rambling now, but I’ve kept so many thoughts bottled inside that each thought fights to be let out. They will get there chance, eventually. For now, I will take one at a time just like picking from a hat. Some may be the thought of the day or may be lives regret and tragedies. Whichever it will be, I will accept them one deep breath at a time.
On a less serious note, today is the Vikings vs Eagles game. Whoever wins this game determines who will move on to the Super Bowl. I attended my first game on December 17, 2018 and to say the least, it was amazing.
I am a Texas girl but I was suckered in to watching the Vikings play for so long that the purple has slowly seeped into my blood. It was hard to accept, but now I couldn’t imagine following any other team.
A choice always means you are giving something else up. We choose one door and never know what’s behind the others. It may eat us up at times but at others, it’s best to close our eyes are make a leap of faith and do what makes you feel alive and happy.